Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
