I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
