The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
