Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
