I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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