was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
