I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
