About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
