i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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