Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
