my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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