I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
