Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
