Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
