I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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