So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
