So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
