At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
