dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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