Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
