i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
