Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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