I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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