then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
