All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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