How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
