fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
