new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
