On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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