Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
