My liver just broke up with me...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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