I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
