U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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