A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
