Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
