Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
