im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
