sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She's like a pop up book from hell.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i drank out of a bidet.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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