it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
