My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
