Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
