K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
