Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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