I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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