You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
