Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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