If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
