Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
