you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
