next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
