The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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