I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
