Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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