Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
